Hi

It was years ago since the last time I wrote. I'm kinda older now, you know... Not feeling adult yet, I'm 19. Burdened by responsibilities to be adult, but just not feeling fully adult yet.

There were so many ups and downs, so many cries and smiles. I got a little depressed that, I, for the first time, cut my own wrist. I had suicidal thoughts too, but still loved my family. But the biggest resistance not to do so was because I was afraid of becoming a ghost, trapped in this evil world, for longer, being tortured. So, I didn't. 

There are actually so many things to write.

But today I'm gonna write about my feeling of worthlessness. I can't even count how many times I had felt being worthless. I felt so sorry for myself. And now I'm feeling it. I'm feeling like I have no use, no value, no hope. I'm feeling like I do things wrong and I disappoint my parents. Well, I do. And that's why I'm feeling it.

We're not in a good financial condition now and that's just what wakes the depressed myself inside me. It makes me feel guilty for everything I do. Like, I'm a nasty useless little brat.

I don't really feel like crying, recently. I mean I used to cry a lot like so many times a day till I have no energy to cry any longer. But my heart still can feel it. I can feel like my heart is crying inside and it is feeling sad and sorrow and not knowing what to do and feeling afraid of everything.

I practice meditation and it is my fourth day. Not long enough to being strong but I can managed not  to cry every single time I feel upset, I think? And I haven't meditated today.

And, oh.. I'm a medical student, going to my third year, haven't done my research, got my GPA going down, managed to participate in a competition I've been wanting for since my first year of medschool.